The Fat Shaming Indian

Namaste! I am a citizen of the world’s largest democracy. I also am the stereotype you see on American television. I could be that touchy Mamaji, the gossipy NRI aunty or the disciplinarian Papa.

My world is actually really small – just like my stealthy, little mind. I judge people for the sheer reason of my eyesight; don’t want to be judged? Get away from my vision or stop existing, then. Interestingly, I also try to be a little sensitive, but that sort of behavior is reserved for events such as the death of a relative. Also, I could be the hot cousin with whom you think of a future with due to your distant ties and I also could be the struggling brother, trying to declare himself an engineer whilst working in a McDonald’s outlet in the USA.

And guess what? I will judge the flying saucer out of you today. I will body shame you.

Just the other day, as I was getting home from work, I met this sweet young girl in the elevator. A pleasant young woman, I was straying my eyes all over her (judging, duh) when they picked up the color of this fancy-looking plastic bag.

“What’s in there, beta?”

(Beta is the safest keyword to utilize and not to not come as judgmental and pathetic you actually are as a person; I think I am going to be a double standard aunty here.)

The girl smiled and replied that those were the yummiest little cupcakes she’d ever consumed.

My mind boggled.

No. Not at all. How could she indulge herself into something so normal?! Cupcakes? A 19 year old wants to have cupcakes?! She is about 29’’ inches at her waist! I could not fathom the guts of this young lady, I mean, how was she even going to find a suitable husband in the EXTREMELY near future? Okay, her parents would find a groom, I get it. I had to kill her enthusiasm, I just had to. She needed help.

“What? No, do not have those. You’re fat.” And we reached my floor and I went ahead with my chores.

Of course, I didn’t realize the negativity I just planted in the happy girl’s mind. And why would I? I had important things to do; like discussing last night’s Ekta Kapoor drama soap and what to expect today from the same. I also totally foiled her day and did not let the silly girl consume her tiny cupcakes happily. She was fat and she needed to know that, but I think she is too stupid to realize! I keep telling her that every time I see her!

I am comfortable in my body hugging kurtis that let all my flab wobble at odd places. I also am comfortable with my tight leggings that highlight my thunder thighs and line my innerwear indecently. But, my point is that how can a normal, food-loving 19 year old eat whatever she likes and ‘swell’ up to a massive 29’’ inches of waistline?! Is it not 36-24-36? Come on, the last time my Australia-based sister’s 12 year old was here, I made it a point to remind her until she went back to the country that it was necessary for her to lose weight. Australia is too modern with little to no sanskriti around, and she’d probably see someone by 16 and that is just 4 years to go! Who will even look at her if she doesn’t lose that chubbiness? Please, just let the baby fat remain with the babies and not 12 year old girls and I honestly don’t care (or know) being called that ‘annoying Indian relative’ by the girl’s friends as soon as she gets back.

Kareena, Alia, Priyanka – if Bollywood is so easily available to you then please make sense of your existence and don’t become fat; follow fads and crash diets by these fit, thin celebrities. Anything over 48 kilograms is fat, remember. I may just probably call you a grain-filled gunny bag.

Not Sonakshi Sinha, though. Do not even think of being THAT fat.

Oh, and did I hear Huma Qureshi? A good actress, is she? Good for her, she still is fat.

Be anything, I will strive to destroy and depress as many people as I can; if not in this lifetime, then the ghosts of my past ridicule will most certainly haunt the memories of the ridiculed.

Yours most ridiculously,

A Fat Shaming Indian (Aunty)

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